The Art of Fully Belonging & the Roots of People Pleasing: Understanding the longing to belong and the patterns that keep us feeling on the outside, even while striving for connection.

Sometimes people describe to me a sensation when they are with family, friends, and sometimes even colleagues, as though they are standing outside the circle, looking in, but not quite fitting in.  Over time, I have come to recognize this feeling of wanting to be closer, doing all of the “things” to inspire connection, and just not feeling connected.  It isn’t uncommon for adults who grew up with instability or chaos.  It isn’t important if they had instability in finances, environment, or school, but what is most telling is a parent who is unstable, unpredictable, or is emotionally immature and needs more validation.  

I’ll hesitate here because I don’t want to “blame” parents; humans on a life journey, just like the rest of us.  If a primary caregiver has worry or anxiety and hasn’t learned to manage that effectively (notice I said “manage”, not cure, fix, or stop), then they may interact with a child as a confidant needing more reassurance or validation from that child.  The child, in turn, feels that bringing up their own needs or emotions would be too much for the unstable parent, and they learn to listen, support, ignore, or suppress their own feelings.  

From a biological standpoint, it looks like this: the child is wholly dependent on the adults in their lives for food, shelter, and love.  Without that support, they perish.  Therefore, it is critical for their biological system to do what is expected or needed of them to gain the adult’s desire to provide for them.  Granted, most adults will do so anyway, but there is a deep fear of rejection in our nervous system that gets turned on when the provider is unstable.  We begin early on to adapt to what works best for our survival.  Consider babies in orphanages who don’t have their needs met, and who cry.  They learn that crying isn’t beneficial, and they stop and adapt to other means to have their needs met.  

For a child in a fairly normal household with a parent who is overwhelmed, they learn that expressing their anxiety, sadness, or fear causes the parent to become more overwhelmed and reactive.  They will learn to self-soothe and set their needs aside.  

So, what happens to that child as an adult?  In most circumstances, they don’t have to live with that adult caregiver anymore, so they should be fine.  Not necessarily; and yes, they will be fine.  In many circumstances, they appear more than fine.  They are adult who are driven and successful on their own without leaning on others.  They tend to have strong organizational skills and can manage family functions, ensuring everyone is happy and comfortable.  Their friends might describe them as confident, independent, and successful.  

This person has learned the fine art of pleasing others and getting what they need in life by depending on no one except themselves.  It works well for them in most settings, except for one very basic need we all have to truly thrive: connectedness on a deep level.  Needs that are suppressed often cause other damage at some point, whether it be increasing anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, or physical complications like high blood pressure, autoimmune disorders, etc.  Soothing behaviors might include process disorders like “doom-scrolling”, gambling, emotional eating, or others.  

For this person, the thought of speaking their own needs aloud may feel like weakness, a burden on others, or that if they did so, no one would like them or want to be around them.   Reading that out loud seems extreme, but if you are one of these people, thinking about sharing your insecurities with others, even those you are close to, can feel overwhelming, scary, or heavy/sad.  

I sometimes hear these individuals say, “Everything in my life is going well, I have it so much better than others, what do I have to complain about?”  But humans are social creatures, and true connections, being seen as your authentic self by others, are an important part of our mental health and overall well-being.  

Oftentimes, I hear people state they are exhausted of always “being there”, “ giving time”, “being the one to take care of everything”, etc, and never get a break without even realizing that they are putting themselves in that position by never taking a break, never asking for help, even turning down help when it’s offered.  

Who truly knows you, your fears, insecurities, biggest dreams, and fantasies?  Is it okay for you to laugh at your own mistakes? Can you be vulnerable with others?  Because vulnerability can be terrifying for the adult who, as a child, was never allowed or felt safe.  True human connection on a deeper level includes give and take.  Listening and sharing.  Yes, your friends and family appreciate your ability to listen, care, and support them, but if they are never allowed to return that, it feels more transactional and less connected.  You might find those friends show up when they need something, but disappear quickly after.  The facade of having it all together can be intimidating and sometimes off-putting.  People don’t want to feel judged either.  You would never do that.... but when you hold yourself to an inhuman standard, others aren’t sure where they stand with you, and you are left feeling alone in a room full of people you know.  Or, feeling unappreciated in a room full of people you love.  Because you know how to give, but not how to receive.

How can you shift from people-pleasing to true belonging?

Self-healing takes time, but small changes can make a big difference. If you haven’t practiced being open or vulnerable, it’s hard to know where to start.  

The first step is always mindfulness.  I don’t mean sit in a quiet room with a candle and meditate.  I mean, pay attention to where you are and how you are feeling; not in the past, not in the future - right now.  If you are in a room full of people, stop and take a breath, and recognize what you see around you and how you feel.  Imagine being more connected or in a deep conversation (not just about their struggles, but yours too).  How does that feel?  It is okay to just start with the imagination.  When you do have time alone, think about what you would like to be different.  

Secondly, try to allow others to help when you can.  If they offer, say yes and thank them!  Enjoy doing something together rather than getting it all on your own.  Take a breath and let someone else lead.  This might be a huge challenge for the people pleaser because of the belief that if things aren’t perfect, I will be to blame.  (What is really happening is you blame yourself, and the rest of the room doesn’t really care as much.) Letting others lead or decide where things go or how an event flows allows them to feel seen, included, and valued.  Those are things that you have been striving for, so give yourself a break and let others help.  

Make an effort to do things that you are not always comfortable with.  Invite a friend to your home for coffee rather than out somewhere.  If that feels terribly uncomfortable, remind yourself that you don’t have to perform.  The house doesn’t have to be perfect, and you are only responsible for 1/2 of the conversation.  Allowing others into your life is being more vulnerable, and the more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes.  

There are more things we could discuss here, but those are some good places to start.  As always, if you feel you need more help unwinding your past and figuring out how to change the present despite ingrained beliefs and actions, then counseling might be a good, objective, and judgment-free place to start.