Learning to Forgive Ourselves for What We Didn't Know So We Can Heal; How Generational Trauma Impacts Our Lives.

Learning to let go

There is one moment in my past that sometimes comes to mind, and I feel guilty that I didn't know how to respond differently. In that moment, although it felt bad, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. 35 years later, I find myself reflecting on how foolish I was. Then yesterday, I knew I would not act the same way today. What I know now, I didn't know then. I asked myself, why would you have responded differently then? Who showed you that you were worthy and it was okay to acknowledge your worth and demand respect?

Those questions don't mean that someone else was at fault. They simply mean that I, like many others, judged and questioned myself for reacting to situations I hadn't encountered yet with old patterns of behavior. Some deeply ingrained in society expectations, and some rooted in generational trauma and abuse. Finally, coming down to what I didn't know and hadn't learned yet. As life goes, sometimes the lessons are hard and continue to impact.

Each day, working with clients recovering from traumatic childhoods and complex PTSD, I have to help them stop blaming themselves long enough to look at the bigger picture. Then I have to help them recognize the patterns they learned about their own worth or safety in speaking up for themselves. Next, learning to calm the nervous system, that wonderful part of our biology that is always learning patterns so that it can protect and help us to survive. Once it's calm enough and they can recognize triggers, only then can we begin to reprocess past trauma and rebuild a new way of responding. For all the blame on ourselves, criticism from those around us for not "just changing," and shame from society, it stands out to me that once the brain and body realize there is a different way, they can erase years of bad decisions by never repeating them.

The moment that suspended me was a second "date". We went for a motorcycle ride and built a fire in the woods to sit and talk. As it got later, my date lay on the ground and fell asleep. It started to get cold and mist a little, and after about 40 minutes, I woke him up and asked him to take me home. When I think of his reaction even now, I'm shocked that he was able to be upset with me. We rode home in the rain on a cold night, and he didn't offer a jacket or consider my discomfort. He dropped me off, still short with me, and left. The most striking thing is that I didn't know how to feel. I should have been angry, and I should not have accepted the call a couple of days later. I did answer, and I felt relieved to hear from him and that he wasn't angry. I have condemned myself for that moment for years. Why didn't you stand up for yourself? (Knowing now it didn't even cross my mind) Until I realized most recently: how could I have? Where had I ever seen that behavior, and when was I ever told that when someone else is upset, I can express my own feelings? It was never learned, and it was never seen because it was such an ingrained part of the culture I grew up in. After all of that and several years of abusive behavior and language, I left and didn't look back. I was still shamed, criticized, and judged. With sympathy, of course, because my family loves me, but also with a sense of what I should have done and how I could have gotten myself into that. Some years later, a counselor asked me, "How did you end up in that?" As if it were a choice, I made to put myself in an unsafe situation.

I learned to "forgive" myself in the sense of letting go of what happened, recognizing that I was young and dumb, and knowing I moved on and changed my life. However, understanding what happened and why it's okay to forgive myself has come years later. Along with it, to forgive the people who didn't teach me what they didn't know and start to understand how generational trauma affects our daily lives. That is how smart people become victims of narcissistic personalities because we are vulnerable. Some of us once, and some of us repeatedly, not because we are at fault, or dumb, or "like it", but because we haven't learned the way out yet.

When we stop blaming ourselves and start to question what we are doing, why we are reacting the way we are, and recognize the triggers that send us into survival mode, even before there is a threat. We can then start to love ourselves again. Again, our brain and biology are amazing! It keeps us alive first. You will be triggered by a gesture, statement, or look before you realize it, and your biological system will react, protecting you in the way it knows, even before there is a threat.

If you see someone making poor decisions and staying stuck in unhealthy relationships, know first that every life is a journey, and it is individual. It doesn't make them stupid, and they don't "love drama". Your growth is to stop judging and try to understand. If you are a person who has survived an abusive or narcissistic relationship, or maybe continues to find the same relationships, stop judging yourself, stop blaming yourself. It's hard to understand and unlearn behaviors that probably started before you could talk and most likely go back several generations. Even if your parents aren't in an abusive relationship doesn't mean some of the behavior patterns wouldn't lead to that if they were different people. They were lucky not to find an abuser first. If you need help, don't hesitate to get counseling or support because you are worthy of that. As a society, we need to recognize how cultural beliefs affect the language we use and the actions we take. If we want to teach other generations that they can advocate for themselves and be safe, then we need to correct ourselves and others when we blame, shame, or dismiss the struggles of those around us.